When I first began writing the blog I couldn’t have imagined the impact that it would have, not just on myself and my family, but on the thousands who have read it worldwide.  Many people reached out from all over the globe and asked why I don’t update it more regularly or have requested that I update it more than I do.  I’ve expressed in the past how much love and support we have received from our situation but haven’t really mentioned it in detail before.  Averaging 4,000-5,000 views for each post we publish has made us feel that our love for Tabatha lives on.  As I’ve expressed before, it is not always easy to pour your heart out to the world but knowing that your message is being received by so many brings comfort to my husband and I, as well as validation that these words might be helping someone else.

Today is April 2, 2016, our daughter Tabatha Darling’s first birthday. I’m currently in Washington watching my sisters four children for eleven days while she enjoys some much needed quality time with her husband in Paris.  Since I knew I would be away for Tabatha’s first birthday, Evan and I decided to celebrate last Saturday, a week early.  I had been looking forward to celebrating her first birthday for a while.  Being pregnant with our second child, I have had expectations as to how I would feel leading up to the anniversary of her birth.  It ended up being vastly different than I thought.

About a week before we celebrated her birthday, I started to see little “triggers” that made me cry all week.  I’m sure pregnancy hormones didn’t help either.  Tabatha passed away just three days before Easter last year so the sight of Easter stuff was a reminder of how we were feeling for the entire week after she passed away.  The entire week leading up to the day we celebrated her birthday, I couldn’t help but think about how I should be taking my one year old to her first Easter egg hunt, dressing her in a pretty Easter dress for church or going to get her picture taken with the Easter bunny.  It was heart wrenching, but I had to quickly and constantly remind myself how lucky we have been despite all that we’ve been through.  I have tried hard to put things back into perspective as quickly as possible by reminding myself, time and time again, that things happen for a reason.

The day we decided to celebrate her birth, Evan and I visited the cemetery where she was laid to rest.  Although we know she is not there, we wanted to feel as connected to her as possible.  We brought along her beautiful quilt which had been handmade by a kind sister from church.  We used Tabatha’s tiny quilt to sit on at her birthday picnic.  It hadn’t been touched since we last wrapped her little body in it and held her.  We ate the lunch that we had packed, talked a lot about our experience with our daughter, our love for her and our life since.  We even took a nap!  These times are really hard on my emotions.  Some might ask, then why even do it?  Why put yourself through that?  My response to that is, I HAVE to.  I can’t just look the other way and bury my feelings.  If it means dealing with the pain for a day versus dealing with the pain for a lifetime, I’ll take a day here and there.  I wont let those tough times get in the way of good times I know I will have in the future.

While Evan and I were enjoying a few hours at the cemetery for our picnic, I noticed three different mothers bringing their children beautiful Easter flowers, bright colored eggs and other stuff to decorate their children’s headstones.  The area where Tabatha is buried is exclusively for babies.  One of the mothers in particular caught my attention.  While the other mothers came, dropped off decorations and flowers, stayed for a moment, then leaving, this one mother stood there over the grave, in obvious torment, weeping.  Evan made a comment to me about how bad he felt for that mother.  I felt bad for her too.  It made me think, “is she just having a rough moment”?  Or does she have a hard day every day?  Is her whole life racked with torment over the loss of her child?  I really hope that she was just in a rough moment.  I know that I struggle from time to time, but I feel like my faith in the gospel helps me to get through those tough times.  I know that we don’t have to suffer daily because we have a loving Heavenly Father who cares for us and wants us to be happy.  We don’t go through hard times to be punished but rather to learn, grow and become the amazing people that he wants us to become.  It’s why we have choices and live in the world that we live in.  I pray for those three mothers and for other mothers who struggle daily with the pain from the loss of a child.  I might not have all the details figured out as to why we have gone through what we have gone through, but I know that in due time I will.  Until then, I have faith that it’s for good reason. I trust in my Heavenly Father.

I wish I could hug and kiss my baby girl today.  I would tell her how much she means to me despite the short time we had together.  My Great Grandma Hunter and Grandpa Knudtson are just some of my favorite people in heaven whom I know are helping my baby celebrate her first birthday today.  That thought gives me great comfort today and always.  Happy First Birthday Tabatha Darling.  We love you!