Exposed is probably an understatement for how I felt as I pressed “enter” to publish our first post about baby Wagley, but knew it was necessary. I have always been a very private person but so many of you have made it easy for us to be open and share our experience. I once heard a saying that I love by Camilla Kimball that I try to live by, “Never suppress a generous thought”. Whether it be a thoughtful card in the mail, beautiful flowers on our door step, a yummy prepared dinner or a sweet text, we are tremendously grateful to all of you who have been there for us.

We continue to have numerous doctors’ appointments to monitor our little girl’s progress. During our most recent appointment with the specialist, we received further details on how things were progressing with baby Wagley. There were a few changes since our last visit. They were able to look at her heart closely and see that the two main valves in her heart, the pulmonary and aortic, were coming out of one side opposed to the norm, which is one coming from each side. They found fluid around the lungs and abdomen, which are early signs of heart failure. The specialist was able to give us a 3D view to show us, in detail, what she looked like. She looks like a completely “normal” sweet baby except for her ears which are a little smaller and her fingers and hands which are clenched.

As I was laying there for about an hour on the table during the exam, I watched my husband’s face light up each time our baby entertained us with something new. At some points, I think I enjoyed watching his reaction and expressions more than watching the baby. There were a few moments that I noticed tears in his eyes. Once when she waved at us, another time when she rubbed her hands on her face and at one point when her little legs were crossed. These weren’t streaming tears but the kind of tears that get stuck and slowly fill your eyeballs half full. My heart usually breaks when I see him like this but in that instant a really strange feeling came over me. I felt the happiest I had ever felt in my entire life. It was an offbeat but special experience. I was laying there thinking, “Shouldn’t I feel bitter? Heartbroken? Discouraged?” But no, I felt happily pregnant, watching my baby in action and experiencing it all with the love of my life. I felt content. My heart just felt so full! I know we are being protected and I’m so grateful for God’s help. This situation seems like it should be much more strenuous on us but I feel protected from the pain. This is not to say that I don’t experience challenging moments. I’m human, of course I do, but I’m just saying it’s not the “I’m depressed and I hate the world” type of pain.

My “bubble”, as I like to call it, is pretty thick. But one thing that can make me feel agony through that bubble from time-to-time is planning our daughter’s funeral. I hesitate to even be so open out of fear that it will make people glum. I don’t want that. I just want to share our experience and hope that positive things are mostly remembered. But again, I am human and I feel it’s an important part of our process to let you know what we are experiencing weather it be good or bad. We were told there is a chance our baby will most likely be stillborn. If the baby does make it full term, she most likely will only live for a very short time. There are other possibilities but these carry the highest probability in our situation. We have been planning for her funeral no matter what the outcome may be. It’s difficult for me knowing that the fragrant flowers on her casket will be the only ones she will ever receive and never from a boyfriend or her husband. Shopping for that little white dress that I plan to bury her in will be the only white dress she will ever wear, instead of the one she should have worn on her baptism day and wedding day. Psychologically, this is not an easy task, but like I have said, I feel at peace and protected most of the time. Life is strange, but I’m learning that you have to deal with whatever you’re given. If you don’t, well…. I assume life could be a lot worse being stuck in your own misery.

Over the past few weeks we have really tried to slow down and enjoy every minute with our baby girl especially on weekends. I heard a talk in church a few weeks ago by a woman in our ward about how many breaths a person takes in a lifetime. On average, a person takes about 672,768,000 breaths during the course of their life. It made me think hard about what we do with each breath. Are we breathing frantically over stress of a project at work? Wasting it on yelling at your spouse over insignificant things? Screaming at your child over petty stuff? Or are we saving those breaths to listen to a friend who is having a worse day or life, for that matter, than you? Are we exerting ourselves for no reason or using our breath to do good? As I thought about how my breaths are used per minute/day/year and what a lifetime of my breaths would be used for, it made me think about the impact our daughters breaths would make. What purpose would hers serve? What difference would she make? Will she even have any breaths in this life? Regardless of if she ever takes her first breath or not, I hope sharing her story with the world makes an impact.  Whether it be one person or one hundred people, I feel her purpose in life would be fulfilled if we all learned something big or small: how valuable life is, how insignificant minor things are or just loving your children and spouse a little more.

Whatever it might be for you, I feel grateful that she has and will do so much for my husband and me. I know she has already changed my outlook on life forever. Someday in the near future, I will be there for her first breath and for her last, but for now I am grateful for this time I get to breath for our tiny baby girl.