It’s been 5 weeks since I became a mother. Some days feel like so much has happened since then, almost like it was a lifetime ago.  Other days, it still doesn’t seem real because it all happened so fast.  It’s difficult to wrap my brain around.  I’ve been avoiding updating the blog because it’s so much easier for me to deal with things privately.  But what is easier isn’t always best.  I can’t entirely explain why, but there is something therapeutic about sharing experiences with others whether we enjoy it or not.  There is something about human nature that connects us to each other.  Whether it is because we know that it might help someone through a hard situation similar to ours, or some other connection, it’s helpful.

I have been excited for my first Mother’s Day for a very long time.  One of the first thoughts that came to my mind when we found out Tabatha’s due date, was that she would be born the week of Mother’s Day, May 15, 2015.  The thought of holding a baby on my first Mother’s Day like so many other mothers, made me feel like I was part of some maternal sorority, like I was fulfilling my purpose on earth.  Mother’s Day can be one of the most rewarding and happiest of days for some.  But for others, Mother’s Day can be a reminder that your child is gone.  It’s hard to pretend that things are ordinary or that life is normal again after her passing.  All the Mother’s Day commercials, flowers and Hallmark cards at the grocery store, make it almost excruciating.  I have also stayed off of Facebook and Instagram today for fear of seeing all the “I love you Mom” posts.

This morning Evan went to church without me.  I knew that the talks about being moms, dads speaking about eternal families and primary children singing “Mother I love you” would be too overwhelming.  When Evan got home he said he had to step out during the primary singing because it was just too much for him to handle.  Being the way he is, it’s usually very difficult for him to express the emotions he is feeling. During this trial however, he has tried valiantly to show his vulnerability to me, something I dearly appreciate.  I don’t feel alone when I know he is struggling from time to time, just like I am.  Because of that, it draws us closer in ways I didn’t know were possible.

Obviously, a lot has changed since my thoughts of Mother’s Day from months ago.  It seems that everyday I experience a spectrum of emotions, but today, more so than most others.  I’m celebrating being a first time mom, but I’m celebrating it without a child, which is extremely difficult.  I have an understanding that loss is part of life.  Our daughter Tabatha, and all those we love, are gifts to us for however long we have them.  It doesn’t make me miss our daughter any less, or Mother’s Day any easier, but it helps me make sense of it.  Despite all the raw emotions I’m feeling and have felt, I am grateful that I became a mother to our daughter Tabatha Darling Wagley. She is our proudest achievement.