Nine months ago our lives changed for the better. We had never felt so much happiness and despair all at the same time. Reflecting over the past nine months, we had so much fulfillment first experiencing our pregnancy, then the birth of our daughter. The saying “it’s better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all”, rings true for Evan and I. Sometimes I think it has been harder dealing with life and living each day, than going through the heartache of the actual experience.   I had a mother reach out to me shortly after Tabatha’s passing to give me some advice to help me through the situation. She told me that you will always have a hole in your heart and it will never be filled, but you will learn how to live with it. I’m glad she shared this with me because it made me realize that I have been able to heal. I will heal. I know that with what I believe and through Christ, I don’t have to have this hole in my heart forever. I will admit though that I have felt and continue to feel a physical void. I know that a new child will never replace Tabatha, but I know I can fill that void by progressing though life and growing my family.

Since the birth and death of our baby I have felt like I have been holding my breath. I’ve tried to avoid the word depression because I have worked hard to not be in that state. But I will tell you that I have felt like I’ve put the world on hold. I’ve just been ready to experience life and happiness through my own children rather than for myself. I have felt out of place having social experiences, such as going out to dinner with Evan, or even going to the store, because there is always the reminder that I don’t have a baby seat to lug in and out of the car. It’s not a hole in your heart kind of feeling, but rather a hole in your back seat where the baby carrier is supposed to sit everyday in the car. The toughest part is having that constant reminder.

I’ve also felt a separation from some of my closest friends. Whether it is self-imposed or otherwise, I have made the choice to not get upset with them. We all have very busy lives. I get it. Difficult situations like ours remind people of their own heartaches as well as their fears of what they to could lose. Everyone is different and we all deal with grief in our own way. There is no handbook that we must follow for helping someone heal. On the other hand, I have also experienced an outpouring of love from friends who were once only acquaintances that have been there for me on a daily basis. Good or bad, thick or thin, I am very glad I have been able to experience new types of bonds and friendships.

This trial has taught me to rely on my Heavenly Father and my husband more. Just as importantly, it has taught me about self-reliance. It has taught me to survive when I didn’t feel like surviving. Just as I mentioned before, I feel like the really hard work started the day Tabatha passed away. I’m proud of myself and Evan for making it this far and for getting through each difficult day.

We have so much to look forward to especially because we are now expecting another baby in July! We’re PREGNANT! We’ve known since Halloween, but have kept it a secret until we made it out of the first trimester. What an awesome feeling to be able to share it with you! The past weeks I have had Hyperemesis Gravidarum (extreme sickness during pregnancy). Damn you Progesterone! Though I’ve had IV’s weekly, bed rest for weeks and A LOT of carbs…. I’m so thankful to be pregnant again! I feel so blessed and privileged to be carrying another baby. We had early testing done and there are NO CHROMOSOMAL ABNORMALITIES. Thank goodness! We know that anything can happen, but we feel so much relief that we wont be in the same position that we were in nine months ago with our Tabatha Darling.

I know that someday when my arm is burning from juggling a baby carrier and diaper bag, or my eyes are half closed from lack of sleep or my house looks like a toy box exploded, I wont have a physical void. I’ll be able to teach my kids about their big sister Tabatha and how she changed our lives and family forever. I am so grateful for this life I have been given, for my wonderful husband, my Heavenly Father, wonderful unexpected people who support and love you through hard times and especially this new baby growing inside of me.